There are times when I feel like I could be a supermom. That I could work hard, play harder, spend more time with Musa, have some fun time with my girlfriends and still have the energy to drop by the grocery store to buy what I need to buy for the family.
But today is not one of those days. Today I feel the complete opposite of 'super'.
When I was pregnant with Musa, I guess I had it pretty easy. Work was a routine 9 to 5, and when I'm home I am able to focus on myself and what I need to do. This pregnancy though, seems to be far off the case.
Both my husband and I are in new working fields. I work close to 12 hours a day sometimes. The nature of Z's job requires him to be away from home most of the time. So I come home to a toddler who looks forward to my undivided attention. And of course I would give him my all. The thought that his father is not there made it so much more important for me to be fully present when I am home with him. Messages and calls at night are often left unattended for this reason.
Z has been away for the past one month. Work seems to pick up its pace and at home, Musa cant seem to seperate himself from me. I bring him with me everywhere - to dinner, sleepovers, that sometimes I no longer enjoy the outings because it's just so different when you have a boy who clings to you for his dear life when all you want is some time off for yourself. If I leave him, I would feel guilty, and if I dont - I dont really fully enjoy myself. Sometimes, I even forgot that I am 6 months pregnant and when my body feels off I get frustrated wishing I could do more.
But can I be honest? Right now i'm just so tired of having or wanting to do more. I just want to be in bed alone, watching something undisturbed..even just for 30 minutes. But instead I am at a corner, crying because I feel so, so tired and frustrated with all the tiny little things. At the corner of my mind I am vaguely reminded of a thousand other things which I planned to do since God knows when and have yet to start. I look at Musa, and I feel so sorry that I let out my anger at him earlier today, and that I didnt hug him to sleep like always because I was discreetly crying my eyeballs out while he rest his head at the back of my shoulder to sleep.
You might not get this post and this may seem like a random, useless rant but I guess this is a reminder to myself - that I am only human. I will get tired, I will find less time for myself and I will probably never be able to do all that I want to do and it will frustrate me but that's okay, because I'm only human. In my down times, I may do things I am not proud of as a mother but it does not make me love my son any less - it just makes me, a human.
Mother's day is just around the corner - and I think I have so much more appreciation for what it entails than I ever did my whole life.