I looked at the calendar - 4th November 2017. In exactly a month's time, my maternity leave will come to an end and it's back to work.
I wondered about going back to work this time around and to be honest, each time I think about it, my heart feels a little heavier.
Last year, going back to work after giving birth to Musa was a lot easier. He can't talk or understand anything at that point. He would even laugh and giggle when I told him I'm going to work so I thought, oh well, we'd be alright!
I was also at ease because I had a helper who loved my son like her own and I was moving to a new department with no expectation of what the future holds and let's face it. I was pretty excited about frequenting KLCC again. #helloZARA
This time around, things are a little different.
Z is always outstation, more so than ever now and while I'm grateful that Umar is such an easy baby to take care of, his big brother Musa has grown so much and is literally a walking microphone - and a clingy one at that too! He follows me everywhere now that I'm mostly home, (and yes, that includes the toilet...) and would hug my thighs tightly when he sees me leaving the house. I foresee going to work will be like a mini drama from now on.
On top of that, my trusted helper is leaving for good end of this month and while I have arranged for a replacement well in advance - her replacement has also requested to go back home for personal reasons so I'm back to square one - with no helper by end of this month. I have of course, looked high and low for replacements with a few interviews set up this week but the idea of leaving your kids with someone new, leaves me feeling unsettled.
Basically early next month, Z will be outstation again for another month. I will be leaving the kids for work with someone I don't even know yet at this point and Musa will probably be rolling on the floor bawling his eyes out when he sees me leave for work, leaving him with someone he's yet to be familiar with.
I told myself over and over again to breathe in, and breathe out. Take one thing at a time and don't think too far ahead or think all things negative. Get those interviews done. Hire a new helper ASAP, train her to be the best she can be for your kids. Try to work more efficiently so you can be home with kids more, especially when Z is not around.
Gosh, I just have to admit it - I cant live without a helper guyssss. And I can't be at peace until I find one before I start work again. Join me in my prayers that I get a realllyyyy good helper soon and get these worries off my list!